What to say about Die Antwoord… This group of rappers, DJs, and singers is creating the most ridiculously strange dance/rap music of all time. First of all, it isn’t all in English, they choose Afrikaans instead. When they do decide to speak English, it’s almost completely unintelligible. With names like Ninja, Yo-Landi, and DJ Hi-Tek and lines like, “Be my samurai.” or “This is like, the coolest song I ever heard.”, you can’t help but love this group. They fill the niche we didn’t even know existed: weird foreign dance rap! It’s new, it’s innovative, it’s… well, it’s just plain odd. But just take my word that you’ll be so happy listening to them that you won’t be able to sit still. You’ll be up dancing with me as soon as you hear DJ Hi-Tek’s “next level beats”.

Despite the total ridiculousness of everything they do, Die Antwoord has beats that are curiously awesome. Ninja’s Dizzy Rascal-esque raps, Yo-Landi’s high-pitched, eerie, childlike voice, and DJ Hi-Tek’s beats come together to form this crazy, strange, non-stop party. It’s like, Dance Dance Revolution meets South Africa meets the hood. All you want to do is figure out what they’re talking about and when you can’t do that, you just have to join in and party with them.

The best thing about Die Antwoord is how absolutely serious they are about what they’re doing. At the beginning of their album, Ninja says, “I represent South African culture…I’m like all these different things, all these different people fucked into one person.” From what they say in their lyrics and the way they act in their videos, I’m pretty sure Die Antwoord thinks they’re the best thing since sliced bread. The sad thing is, I might have to agree. Listening to Die Antwoord will make you want to giggle and dance around and possibly punch something/someone… but don’t hurt anyone. Just enjoy the ridiculousness of it all and grin because the Ninja will always protect you.

Last night, French alt rock band Phoenix made an appearance on The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien and performed their hit song “1901.” I was glad they finally stopped by The Tonight Show to play for Conan and Andy, because lately it seems like they’ve been popping up everywhere else.

Earlier in the summer, the group was seen touting Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix on shows like Late Night with David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and even Saturday Night Live.  And just the other day I saw that they’ve been featured in a Cadillac commercial. Have they sold out? Maybe. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that “1901″ is an awesome song. Besides, if Santogold (aka Santigold) can be featured in a crappy light beer commercial and still retain her credibility, then Phoenix has nothing to worry about.

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DOWNLOAD: Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix by Phoenix

17 Hours have never passed so quickly. Maybe it was the stop at Sonic that kept us going (us New Englanders think of it as some Holy Grail of fast food), but most likely it was the excitement of Bonnaroo finally becoming a reality. Honestly, I feel like my visit in Manchester, TN was a fantasy I dreamt up for my own fun. But it happened, and I have the lime green wristband, 3D ticket, and tie-dye t-shirt to prove it.

Even when you talk with people who went, Bonnaroo is hard to describe. If there’s a God, I hope heaven is a big ol’ Bonnaroo in the sky (sure as hell I’d go to church more often). Some friends from Boston College plus some and I all arrived around 5 am on Thursday, pitching our tent and canopy by the light of the sunrise. We napped, and then the adventure officially started.

Here’s the layout of Bonnaroo, 700 acres of former farming lands: Centeroo is an area where all the stages are located and carnival-like vendors. That majestic red archway you see in your friends’ Facebook albums? That’s the entrance to Centeroo. They sell anything from traditional pizza to deep fried gator, and as far as souvenirs go, buy a cool band posters or a didgeridoo. When and if you go, make sure to stop at the Wonder Waffle stand to get the hot waffle sandwich: a cube of vanilla ice cream between two thick waffles smothered in chocolate syrup. Surrounding Centeroo are all the campsites grouped by movie titles and divided by that movie’s characters. Ours was Pussy Galore in the James Bond area… we all got a kick out of that. Port-a-potties are located throughout, and you get used to peeing in the dark after the first two nights. Showering is a no-no. I mean you can for a little less then 10 bucks, but if you’re going to Bonnaroo you might as well do it up right.

Say hi to my friends Kristen and Josh.

Bands play all the time, til everyone’s strung out at 4 am and dancing their asses off. But considering an audience of 75,000 sticky-sweaty people, getting to the front can be a complicated process. Due to a string of great shows on Saturday, we made it to the front for some out-of-this-world entertainment. We edged in the side of This Tent as Bon Iver’s falsettos shivered my bones in 80-degree humidity. He closed with ‘Wolves,’ having the audience sing over and over “What might have been lost” until we were shouting the line 10,000 strong. At that point the crowd headed out and we headed in, close to front row for Of Montreal. I had already seen them in April at Paradise Rock Lounge in Boston, so I was expecting an identical set. Same costumes, different experience. There’s just something about seeing Kevin Barnes in a smoking (literally emitting smoke) fur poncho doing the cha-cha in broad daylight as a brontosaurus with giant arms catapults balls into the audience. After bopping around to ‘Rapture Rapes the Muses’ and grooving out to ‘A Sentence Of Sorts In Kongsvinger,’ they smashed their instruments in a distortioned cacophony that simply defines Of Montreal, and proceeded to hurl their bodies atop the audience to crowd surf.

Here’s a taste of a live Of Montreal show that I recorded at the Paradise show, apologies for the quality.

Barnes once explained his performance style in an interview with the Daytrotter crew:

I’ve always loved the theatrical side of performing. I never really got into the whole indie rock approach of taking the stage in your street clothes and just playing the songs. That isn’t fun for me. I really want to put on a performance that people will remember. That means considering the visual aspect of things. I hate going to see shows that just have this static image. I think it’s important to have lots of movement on stage, lots of changes in the images you present to the audience.

Of Montreal

The Decmeberists were up next. If I had to narrow it down, I went to Bonnaroo mainly to see Animal Collective, Grizzly Bear, Of Montreal, Phoenix and MGMT. The Decemberists were my favorite show at Bonnaroo 2009. A fan informed me that their set was a straight play through of their latest album The Hazards of Love, and they did so without conversation or even a pause. Dark lighting, robotic dancing, violent timpani banging followed by a half-hour encore of fan favorites, which showed a lighter side of congenial performance. I can’t tell you the set list, and I don’t know the names of the band members without Google-ing them, but I can tell you it was just phenomenal.

In the flesh, the Decemberists

This article could easily be longer than a senior thesis. To list my favorite performances is like naming all of the places in the world I’d like to visit – it’s endless and actually sort of boring to everyone but me. The last thing I want to squeeze in here is a note about the people. For four glorious days, I shared a really strange freedom with tens of thousands of other people from all walks of life, ranging from all ages, with different intentions. I watched teeny boppers play around in the mushroom fountain, babies strapped onto ambitious parents, young bucks drinking beers with their friends, and I particularly remember these two middle-aged women swaying their arms with floor-length dresses and mom haircuts. The Healing Shaman was seen daily, carrying a sign advertising his services, doing yoga and chanting “heeemmehpennay, huuuuhhhh” behind us as we walked to Centeroo. There were bearded men wiggling their hips to sound checks, and a man whose bad trip required 8 paramedics and a needle to a neck.

Everyone was just really satisfied to live in a tent, meet new people, and listen to good music.

In your lifetime, go to Bonnaroo. If you’ve already gone, you don’t need to me to tell you to do it again. It is beyond an experience.

Heeemmehpennay, Huuuuhhhh. Photo Cred: Evan Waters

5. Mixtape Volume 3 by The Hood Internet

The Hood Internet’s Mixtape Volume 3 is, in my opinion, the best mixtape released by the Chicago-based mash-up duo. Sometimes described as Girl Talk on Adderall, The Hood Internet takes indie rock hits and mashes them up to hip-hop beats. Mixtape Volume 3 is no exception. A few of the our favorite tracks include Crime Mob vs The Dodos – “Stilettos In The Park”, Pimp C (feat. Lil Keke) vs The New Pornographers – “Knocking Fablez Down” and Lil Wayne (feat. Static Major) vs The Bloody Beetroots – “We Are From Venice (Lil Weezy Ana).” These tracks showcase the talent and versatility that Aaron Brink and Steve Reidell bring to the DJ/mash-up arena.

Tracklist:

1. Intro (Ninjasonik vs Air France)
2. Estelle (feat. Kanye West) vs The Ting Tings – Shut Up, American Boy
3. Rick Ross (feat. R. Kelly) vs Hercules & Love Affair – Blind Speed
4. Chromeo vs Rihanna – Don’t Stop The Fancy Footwork
5. The-Dream vs Cut Copy – Light Falsetto Music
6. El Perro Del Mar – Inner Island (The Hood Internet Remix)
7. Stacey Q vs Yeasayer – Sunrise Of Hearts
8. Flo Rida (feat. T-Pain) vs Hot Chip – Hold On To That Low
9. New Young Pony Club vs Simian Mobile Disco – Bomb Deprivation
10. Shawty Lo vs Trans Am – Dey Know Obscene Strategies
11. Three 6 Mafia vs Joan As Policewoman – Fuck That, I Defy
12. Wiz Khalifa vs The Black Ghosts – Say Someway
13. Ludacris vs She & Him – Sentimental Hearts
14. Crime Mob vs The Dodos – Stilettos In The Park
15. The Cool Kids vs Le Loup – We Are Mikey! We Are Rock!
16. Jay-Z (feat. Lil Wayne) vs Xiu Xiu – I Do Brooklyn When I Want
17. Webbie vs Black Moth Super Rainbow – Drippy I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T
18. Pimp C (feat. Lil Keke) vs The New Pornographers – Knocking Fablez Down
19. Ghostface Killah vs Caribou – Apollo Narrows
20. Ol’ Dirty Bastard (feat. Kelis) vs White Williams – Got Your Smoke
21. MF DOOM vs Ladytron – My Favorite Ladytrons
22. T-Pain (feat. Chris Brown) vs TV On The Radio – Frozen Age
23. Birdman (feat. DJ Khaled, Rick Ross) vs Sebastien Tellier vs SebastiAn – $100 Million Sportswear
24. Lil Mama (feat. Chris Brown, T-Pain) vs MSTRKRFT – Shawty Get Looks
25. Bun B (feat. Rick Ross, David Banner, 8Ball) vs Of Montreal – Gallery Piece Of Everything
26. Lil Kim (feat. Missy Elliott) vs MGMT – Can You Hear My Kids Now
27. The Cardigans vs Ratatat – Mirando Birdfool
28. Fleetwood Mac vs Daft Punk – You Make Lovin’ Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
29. Three 6 Mafia vs The Long Blondes – Lolli Lolli Pop That Century
30. Lil Wayne vs The Bloody Beetroots – We Are From Venice (Lil Weezy Ana)
31. Big Boi feat. Purple Ribbon All-Stars vs Ghislain Poirier – Blazin Kryptonite
32. Spank Rock vs Burial – Bumpangel
33. Usher (feat. Young Jeezy) vs Los Campesinos! – The Year This Club Broke (My Heart)
34. R. Kelly (feat. Huey) vs Rogue Wave – Endless Hookup

Listen to Pimp C (feat. Lil Keke) vs The New Pornographers – “Knocking Fablez Down”

Click here to download Mixtape Volume 3 by The Hood Internet

4. The Mixtape About Nothing by Wale

Inspired by the hit 90′s TV series  Seinfeld, Washington D.C.-based rapper Wale lays down his best verses on The Mixtape About Nothing. Featured on The Mixtape About Nothing are numerous samples from Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer. On track 6, entitled “The Kramer,” Wale raps about the use of the word “nigger” in today’s society. On “The Vacation From Ourselves,” Elaine Benes, aka Julia Louis-Dreyfus makes a surprise appearance, saying that,

“…Wale is a big fan of my show Seinfeld. I’m here on this mixtape to tell you that he’s awesome and don’t you think that makes me the coolest person EVER, and don’t you think my kids are gonna think I’m so cool I’m on this mixtape….MOTHERFUCKERRRR! Word up…word up…goddamnit.”

Tracklist:

1. “The Opening Title Sequence” (produced by Best Kept Secret)
2. “The Roots Song Wale Is On” f. Chrisette Michele (produced by ?uestlove & James Poyser)
3. “The Feature Heavy Song” f. Bun B, Pusha T and Tre from UCB (produced by Best Kept Secret)
4. “The Freestyle (Roc Boys)”
5. “The Perfect Plan” (produced by Best Kept Secret)
6. “The Kramer” (produced by Best Kept Secret)
7. “The Crazy” (produced by Best Kept Secret)
8. “The Vacation From Ourselves” (produced by Best Kept Secret)
9. “The Remake of A Remake (All I Need)” f. Tawiah (produced by Mark Ronson)
10. “The Grown Up” (produced by Best Kept Secret)
11. “The Manipulation” (produced by Best Kept Secret)
12. “The Artistic Integrity” (produced by Best Kept Secret)
13. “The Star”
14. “The Skit (Untz Untz)”
15. “The Cliche Lil Wayne Feature (It’s The Remix baby!)” (produced by Osinachi)
16. “The Bmore Club Slam” (produced by Scottie B)
17. “The Chicago Falcon Remix” f. The Budos Band (produced by Mark Ronson & Eli Escobar)
18. “The Hype” (produced by Best Kept Secret)
19. “The End Credits” (produced by Best Kept Secret)

Listen to “The Feature Heavy Song” feat. Bun B, Pusha T and Tre of UCB

Click here to download The Mixtape About Nothing by Wale

3. Sky High by DJ Benzi, Kanye West, & Plain Pat

Kanye West teamed up with both DJ Benzi and Plain Pat to create Sky High, a mixtape that remixes both old and new Kanye tracks, in anticipation of his latest album 808s & Heartbreak. Featured on this mixtape is an all-star cast of producers including Cookin Soul, A-Trak, Nick Catchdubs, Stretch Armstrong, and Diplo. A-Trak totally kicks ass on his fast-paced version of “Stronger.” A few of the other hot tracks on Sky High include “Champion (Nick Catchdubs Remix),” “Get Em High (A-Trak Remix),” and “Impatient Boy (Benzi Refix).”

Tracklist:

1. Kanye West – Sky High Intro
2. Kanye West – good Morning ft. Big Sean (The Kickdrums Remix)
3. Kanye West – Champion (Nick Catchdubs Remix)
4. Kanye West – Barry Bonds (Eli Escobar Remix)
5. Kanye West – Crack Musik (Cookin Soul Remix)
6. Kanye West – We Major (The Kickdrums Remix)
7. Kanye West – Get Em High (A-Trak Remix)
8. Kanye West – Throw Some (Cousin Cole Remix)
9. Kanye West – Electric Touch (Steve1der & Mighty Mi Remix)
10. Kanye West – Love Lockdown (Tom Wrecks Remix)
11. Kanye West – Flashing Lights (Diplo Remix)
12. Kanye West – Addiction (Kenny Dope & Terry Hunter Remix)
13. Kanye West – Stronger (A-Trak Remix)
14. Kanye West – Impatient Boy (Benzi Refix)
15. Kanye West – HomeComing (Discotech Remix)
16. Kanye West – I Wonder (Scottie B Remix)
17. Kanye West – good Life (Strech Armstrong Remix)
18. Kanye West – Can’t Tell Me Nothing (Dj Godfather Remix)

Listen to “Impatient Boy (Benzi Remix)”

Click here to download Sky High by DJ Benzi, Kanye West, & Plain Pat

2. A Kid Named Cudi by KiD CuDi

Cleveland-based rapper KiD CuDi made waves in the hip-hop world with the release of A Kid Named CuDi earlier this year. The man’s lyrical flow rivals that of Lupe Fiasco. His most famous single “Day N’ Nite”, which helped launch his career, is included on this mixtape. A few of the other tracks that stand out on A Kid Named CuDi are “Man On The Moon (The Anthem)” and “Embrace The Martian.” After catching the attention of Kanye West, KiD CuDi was able to collaborate with West on “Welcome to Heartbreak,” a cut off of 808s & Heartbreak. CuDi has also recently performed at the 2008 MTV VMA’s with Travis Barker and DJ AM. Making a guest appearance on A Kid Named CuDi is Wale.

Tracklist:

1. Intro
2. Down & Out
3. Is There Any Love? feat. Wale (Produced by Emile)
4. Cudi Get
5. Man On The Moon (The Anthem) (Produced by NOSAJTHING)
6. The Prayer (Produced by Plain Pat)
7. Day N Nite (Produced Dot Da Genius)
8. Embrace The Martian – Crookers feat. Kid Cudi
9. Maui Wowie
10. 50 Ways To Make A Record (Produced by Emile & Plain Pat)
11. Whenever
12. Pillow Talk
13. Save My Soul (The Cudi Confession)
14. T.G.I.F. feat. Chip The Ripper
15. Cudi Spazzin
16. Cleveland Is The Reason (Produced Dot Da Genius)
17. Heaven At Nite

Listen to “Day N’ Nite”

Click here to download A Kid Named Cudi by Kid Cudi

1. Viva La Hova by Mick Boogie & Terry Urban

Over the last few years, one aspect of hip-hop that has really taken center stage is the mixing of a cappella Jay-Z tracks with rock music. The trend started with Kev Brown’s Brown Album, and was quickly followed by DJ Danger Mouse’s The Grey Album and Linkin Park’s Collision Course. Viva La Hova by Mick Boogie & Terry Urban is the latest installment in this sub-genre of hip-hop. Each and every track on Viva La Hova is mashed-up so masterfully well that it reminds me of the musical prowess featured on The Grey Album. A few of the tracks that you NEED to listen to first are “Public Speeding,” “Lost Part 1,” and “The Reverse Fix.”

Tracklist:

1) Intro (produced by Mick Boogie & Terry Urban)
2) Public Speeding (produced by Cookin’ Soul)
3) Know My Place (produced by The Amps)
4) Never Changing (produced by nVMe)
5) Miss Trouble (produced by Judah)
6) Back At My Place (produced by Remot)
7) No Love Coming Home (produced by The Kickdrums) Lost Part 1 (produced by Coldplay)
9) A Spy’s Prayer (produced by nVMe)
10) Science Is Ignorant (produced by Gooch)
11) The Reverse Fix (produced by Mick Boogie & nVMe)
12) Hola Blanco (produced by Garbs Infinite)
13) Take The Hill (produced by nVMe)
14) Lost Part 2 (remixed by Mick Boogie)
15) Cold Success (produced by 9th Wonder)
16) What If We Cry? (produced by Remot)
17) Beach Chair (produced by Coldplay)
18) Falling In Shadows (produced by 6th Sense)
19) Life of Clocks (produced by Terry Urban)
20) X-Y-Z (produced by Hasan Insane)

Listen to “Public Speeding”

Click here to download Viva La Hova by Mick Boogie & Terry Urban

It’s on like Donkey Kong.
You wanted that fast buck
Now I gotta light that ass up.

Thus spake Ice Cube in the single “Now I Gotta Wet’Cha” from his 1992 album The Predator. It’s an excellent album, both danceable and grim, courtesy of Ice Cube and DJ Muggs’ typical sound—loping beats, P-Funk horns, Sly and the Family Stone guitar jangles, and nasty lyrics. This is not the Cube who gave us the 2007 family laff riot Are We Done Yet? No, this is the Cube of N.W.A., the Cube of “Fuck Tha Police,” and the Cube of these lyrics from “It Was a Good Day”:

Left my niggaz house paid,
Picked up a girl been tryin to fuck since the twelve grade.
It’s ironic, I had the brew she had the chronic,
The Lakers beat the Supersonics.
Felt on the big fat fanny
Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny.
And my dick runs deep so deep so deep
Put her ass to sleep.

This Cube doesn’t mince words or waste time. This Cube feels on the big fat fanny, pulls out the jammy, and kills—kills!—the punanny. Which brings us back to “Now I Gotta Wet’Cha,” a tale of gangster posturing wrapped in Solomon Burke samples. The song begins with a little one-act number, Ice Cube and his friend strolling through what we assume are the mean streets of Compton. They roll up on some hapless sucker, and this happens:

Ice Cube: Hey, what’s up man?
Hapless sucker: Not too much.
Ice Cube: You know you won, G.
Hapless sucker: Won what?
Ice Cube: The wet t-shirt contest motherfucker!

Gunshots follow, and we realize “wet t-shirt” refers to the hapless sucker falling in a rain of bullets and blood, cut down in the semi-prime of his life by a vengeful Ice Cube. Fair enough. It was 1992, I was a sophomore in college, and I loved it. Even though I was far from Compton, both socioeconomically and geographically. Even though I was living in a basement apartment in Buffalo, NY with a hammock for a bed, no heat, and a framed poster of Marlon Brando in motorcycle leathers hung above my bed because I thought it would attract women. I’d drive to class in my 1977 Pontiac Parisienne, blasting Ice Cube and fantasizing about delivering my own “The wet t-shirt contest motherfucker!” line. To who? I have no idea. Maybe my medieval history professor. He was an arrogant sonofabitch.

But that’s not the point. The point is the first lyric after Cube’s little one-act number. So Cube says “The wet t-shirt contest motherfucker!” and we envision the hapless sucker lying in a puddle of his own blood, choking and gasping and wondering what went wrong with his life. Cue the DJ Muggs beats and Cube spitting lyrical venom:

It’s on like Donkey Kong.
You wanted that fast buck
Now I gotta light that ass up.

Donkey Kong? As in this Donkey Kong?

What was Ice Cube thinking? Donkey Kong isn’t a gangster game. It’s not even close. It’s a mustached Italian guy trying to rescue his girlfriend while a giant ape throws barrels at him. Cube could have at least picked a game with some violence, like Double Dragon:

A more appropriate line would have been:

Your ass is draggin.
Leave the G’s behind
Or I’ll knee you in the face like Double Dragon.

Or maybe this:

Sippin gin from a flagon,
Getting dizzy what’s next?
Flying kick you in the neck like Double Dragon.

Or how about:

My bitch won’t stop naggin,
So I drop my pager
And punch her repeatedly in the solar plexus like Double Dragon.

Think you can come up with something better? Post it at the bottom of this column. It has to be no more than three lines, and it has to be a gangster-type lyric based on a violent 90’s video game. The best lyric gets a prize. I’ll have Boni think of something good to send the winner.

Anyway. Despite his Donkey Kong misstep we forgive Ice Cube because he gave us “Wicked,” a terrific song with a video starring Kiedis and Flea of the Chili Peppers breaking windows and smashing kitchens like a HUD crew run amok:

So Ice Cube found redemption. There is no such redemption for Shaq. Not after his 1993 debut Shaq Diesel.

1993. Grunge was still relevant, A Tribe Called Quest released Midnight Marauders, and Gen X’ers were just beginning to appreciate the benefits of irony. Did we recognize the hilarity of Shaq Diesel? Of course. Did Shaq? I don’t know.

I submit this hypothesis: Shaq Diesel contains the worst rap lyrics of any rap album ever made. Two songs from Shaq Diesel support my claim:

1. “(I Know I Got) Skillz”
2. “Shoot Pass Slam”

We’ll start with the unnecessarily-parenthetical “(I Know I Got) Skillz.”

Let’s take a sample of these lyrics, from Shaq’s second verse:

I got a hand that’ll rock ya cradle,
Cream you like cheese, spread you on my bagel.
My Ford Explorer boomin’ with the clunk-a-funk
All you jealous punks can’t stop my dunks.
They’re brand new like Heavy,
Built like Chevy, Impala,
But Shaq’s a smooth balla.
(Yeah, but what about rhymin?)
I can hold my own.
Knick-knack Shaq-attack, give a dog a bone.

As for “Shoot Pass Slam,” Shaq gives us a bastardized Onyx rip-off complete with lyrics so bad they approach genius.

From the end of the first verse:

Coast to coast, LA to Chicago I’m strong and cocky like Ivan Drago.
I hop hop hip hip,
Check the way I rip rip.
Upset to your stomach,
Plop plop plip plip.
Sharp as a dagger.
Call me Shaq attacker.
I love Jim Valvano
Forget Jimmy Swaggart.
I’m a mack,
You better back off me.
I’ll leave a bad taste in your mouth
Like boogers in coffee.

Do boogers in coffee leave a bad taste in your mouth? I’ll take Shaq at his word, but I can’t imagine boogers and coffee lingering as long as, let’s say, liver and onions. Of course “onions” is hard to rhyme, so I guess Shaq felt boogers and coffee was more appropriate. I guess.

Moving on. No discussion of terrible rap lyrics from the 90’s would be complete without finding some white rock band who decided to try rap. And so we turn to the whitest of rock bands: the Canadian supergroup Rush.

(Full disclosure: I loathe Rush, and not just because they are Canadian. I loathe Rush because they are Rush. My loathing is visceral. When I hear Geddy Lee sing, my upper lip instinctively curls inward, as if I’ve driven past a mangled deer lying on the side of the road and caught a glimpse of its exploded innards drying in a pulpy mass. When I hear Rush fans explain their love, I become an old man railing against the idiocy of kids these days. My loathing is so strong I’d rather listen to Triumph than Rush. Yes, it’s that bad.)

So with those biases in mind, let’s sample 1991’s “Roll the Bones” from Rush’s album of the same name. There is no need to watch the whole thing. I suggest the first 30 seconds, then fast forward to 3:18:

Before the shock subsides, immerse yourself in these lyrics. Don’t just read them. Live them. Give these lyrics the spoken word treatment. Print them out, stand with one hand in your pocket and the other stretched out in front of you–fingers spread and palm down–as though you’re about to drop massive knowledge on this Christmas day. Pretend these rhymes represent the struggles of a Canadian supergroup forced to watch Bryan Adams maintaining relevance while all anyone knows about your group anymore is your Neil Pert fills and your 1981 single “Tom Sawyer.”

Now speak:

Jack—relax.
Get busy with the facts.
No zodiacs or almanacs,
No maniacs in polyester slacks.
Just the facts.
Gonna kick some gluteus max.
It’s a parallax—you dig?
You move around
The small gets big. It’s a rig.
It’s action.

Reaction.
Random interaction.
So who’s afraid
Of a little abstraction?
Can’t get no satisfaction
From the facts?
You better run, homeboy,
A fact’s a fact
From Nome to Rome, boy.

Take a deep breath. And continue:

What’s the deal? Spin the wheel.
If the dice are hot—take a shot.
Play your cards. Show us what you got.
What you’re holding.
If the cards are cold,
Don’t go folding.
Lady luck is golden;
She favors the bold. That’s cold.
Stop throwing stones.
The night has a thousand saxophones.
So get out there and rock,
And roll the bones.
Get busy!

If I could point to one line—and I will—that sums up everything wrong with Rush, Canada, and rock bands trying to rap, it’s this:

The night has a thousand saxophones.

Just when Rush has done enough damage—after Neil Pert has already thrown us to the ground, plunged his knife to the hilt, and twisted the blade while Geddy belts out his twangy high notes—they add insult to grievous injury with their final order: Get busy!

It makes me want to record my own version of “Now I Gotta Wet’Cha.” And finally I have my chance:

Micah: Hey, what’s up man?
Geddy Lee: Not too much.
Micah: You know you won, G.
Geddy Lee: Won what?
Micah: The wet t-shirt contest motherfucker!